What’s worse than a cheap husband? Not much. While far from universally true, my experience tells me that between men and women, it’s the man who is usually the cheap SOB. Is this really so? I can only speak for myself of course, but I’ll be the first to admit that you could consider me a cheap man.
(My middle daughter, while proofreading this post, was quick to confirm it, so I suppose there is no room for doubt anymore.)
I don’t consider the label of “cheap” all that bad, to be frank. It’s almost a badge of honor in my opinion. I think quite a few times before I buy anything. I do a fair amount of research. When in doubt, I don’t spend. I have the mindset that there are very few things we really need beyond the basics. Call me crazy…but that’s how I deal with money.
What’s wrong with that? Does this cheap man need to be cured?
Well…the problem is that not everybody thinks like I do. I live with other people and even if I’m sure I’m right, I can’t just impose my philosophy on everyone. At least, not if I want to stay married and have a family that wants to be near me. If you want to save your money and marriage, you might want to consider all this.
Nobody likes to be told what to do – nobody. If I try to be the “King Pilgrim” I’ll alienate everyone. Using money as a weapon is financial infidelity in marriage because it destroys the partnership. I don’t want to live like that and nobody in my family wants that either. If you are a cheap man, do you need to be cured or fixed? Well, if you want to avoid divorce – or stop a divorce if your relationship is on the rocks – I think the answer is clear.
Don’t wait for everyone around you to change, oh Cheap One. They won’t. (The only thing they might change is their address.)
Let me go one step further. I’m often convinced that my cheapness is right and that we shouldn’t really spend that money – but I give in anyway. Why? Because I have to pick and choose my battles just like the other members of my family do. Sometimes I’d rather be happy than right.
And I often find in retrospect that I was wrong (not to spend). I guess I’m still not “all knowing” like I thought I was. Crapola. But I’m not going to lie to you or myself. My nature is to refrain from spending. It’s my first and almost automatic reaction to spending situations.
That’s how I work.
Sometimes this works really well for our family. For example, we’re fortunate to have absolutely no debt at all, to live below our means and to save a decent amount each year. We are on track, thankfully. But sometimes a “no” comes out of my mouth even though a “yes” would be OK and I know it, deep in my heart. That causes unnecessary stress.
So how is a cheap man cured?
My experience tells me that the only cure is to start creating a financial plan.
This financial plan must show both the cheap man and the others in the family whether or not they are on track to reach their financial goals. The financial plan actually gets rid of the labels “cheap” and “spendthrift.”
The plan will show you what you need to do with your money to get out of debt and save for your future. Either you are doing it or you aren’t. Period.
A financial plan is the basis for setting up budgets. Setting aside money for debts, savings, retirement, vacation and fun. If you, Mr. Cheap Man, can agree with your spouse or significant other on a plan and budgets, you will be cured. You can do a financial plan on your own or you can have it done – but just make sure you get it done. You will no longer be called “the cheap man.”
That’s it. No other tool will do. If you are a cheap man or are living with one, there is nothing else you should do unless and until you create your plan.
If those cheap behaviors are driving you and everyone around you nuts, you’ve found your answer. That’s why I think therapists can’t save the marriage when money is the issue. They usually don’t know jack about finances and they can’t advise you on this subject either.
I’m super curious to know if you solved your financial conflict by creating a financial plan. If not, what did solve the problem?
Angry says
June 11, 2014 at 1:23 AMMy husband pisses and moans about the centurylink bill he insisted we “needed ” to have HD added to. I was trying to get costs DOWN because I could NOT afford the load being placed on me. (My mom has stage 4 colon cancer, my daughter is going to college, and I am going in July for treatment of my own Thyroid cancer after an 18 month battle with docs and endless tests.) He does NOT have a car payment. (His recently departed mom left him her car. He hasn’t had a car payment prior since the 90’s. He has a work vehicle.) I have a car payment for a car to get me to work 32 miles one way every day. (He thought I should have kept my previous car I paid off, with 120,000 miles, that was starting to have mechanical issues. I told him he was picking me up when I got stranded and he conceded. I needed a reliable car to work.) He has since brought his 94 year old grandmother to live under our roof who pays him 1K to live here. He keeps lamenting how he “only has so much money” when it comes to extraneous expenses for a daughter’s urgi-med visit or the dog’s annual visit. This is his first mortgage in his 40-something year-old life. (I have had 2 before this marriage.) Prior to this, he was renting from my mom for $400 bucks a month. It’s disgusting. I pay for the electric, cell bill, car insurance, my car payment and gas and toll, soon to be my daughter’s college, my own student loan, and past-owing credit cards. Meanwhile, he’s bragging he got an “800 credit score!” for the first time in his life. He’s also bitching that I should be helping him “pay the mortgage” of $1400 a month. He’s getting $12,000 a year from his grandmother! Plus anything that goes wrong with house repairs, SHE pays for! WTF????????
Angry says
June 11, 2014 at 1:41 AMThe $1K I mentioned before, was per MONTH. And anytime I mention ANYTHING about helping my mom’s cancer, she goes all ballisitic with some ache or pain. (When my mom was admitted to the hospital that resulted in an iliostomy, she actually made him call an ambulance for her because of “unbearable shoulder pain”.) When confronting him about the folly of this whole situation, he says I should be “grateful” because he could not handle the mortgage otherwise. *****at the end of my rope******
blue says
June 4, 2014 at 12:13 AMMy husband might be cheap. We have more than enough income to be very comfortable and have plenty of savings. We have a detailed budget to make sure all our expenses are accounted for. But my husband still balks at any purchase that isn’t “practical” enough in his eyes. He gets very miserly when it comes to spending money on intangibles that would bring joy and convenience to our lives. Recently I tried to talk to him about a cosmetic procedure to correct a physical flaw of mine that I’m very self conscious about. He immediately wanted to know how much it would cost (we could easily afford it) and dismissed my wishes because there is never any need for a cosmetic procedure. I know they say money can’t buy happiness, but knowing that my husband would rather see those dollars sitting in a bank account than spend a very small portion of it to make me much happier, it really stung. My philosophy is that as long as our bills are covered, we have significant savings in case of emergency, and we are saving towards future expenses, we should be able to enjoy any extra money and use it to better our daily lives. My husband disagrees. The act itself of spending money, even when we have plenty, seems to cause him distress.
Neal Frankle, CFP ® says
June 4, 2014 at 1:23 AMBlue,
I can only imagine how frustrating this situation is. Your husband has all the numbers and he knows you can afford this so the issue is not financial as you point out. He is living in fear and that has to be addressed. I wonder if he would agree to therapy?
Neal
anna says
April 16, 2014 at 12:30 AMhusband is super cheap. idk what the deal is, but i think it’s a mix of things. 1) he takes me for granted because he knows i don’t believe in divorce so he thinks he can treat me any ol way bc i won’t ever leave him or so he thinks. example ~ tonight i was like, “well since we can’t agree upon a movie, could you take me shopping at forever 21?” bc he chose the last several movies and wanted me to bend to his will again and i refused. he said, “ok. you can spend like $75.” – _.- mind you, he has an extra $3,000 right now and was going to take me on a mini vacation but i couldn’t get the time off from work so i know he’s just being a total stinflint! i protested and he ended up smacking my butt hard and out of anger and telling me to sit, but I was so over the conversation. i went inside. i sat outside on the front porch to chill out and went to bed. i just woke up and there’s a forever21 gift card here, but the fun is gone from thewhole situation. i don’t even want it now.
then, i think it’s also a control thing. he doesn’t want me too hot bc then i draw too much attention.
i also think that we have different ideas of what’s acceptable and what’s not in a relationship.
i honestly don’t know what to do. he was not this way when we were dating and I’m not happy. i don’t believe in divorce, and I’m also kind of an orphan so divorcing him would mean no family for me…so not sure if divorcing him would be worth it.
any suggestions would be oh so appreciated.
Neal Frankle, CFP ® says
April 16, 2014 at 1:33 AMAnna, it’s good that you are aware of your feelings. That’s for starters. I think this goes way beyond the financial and calls for a marriage counselor. Have you considered this option? If he is too cheap to do it, do you have your own resources?
On a somewhat related note, I don’t know if you work or not but I think it’s especially important in cases like these for each person to have their own resources. If it’s not possible for you to work, I suggest trying to get him to agree to a budget whereby you each have a discretionary amount that you get to spend as you like. Would that work?
anna says
April 16, 2014 at 10:58 AMin the recent past i suggested marriage counseling, but he seemed uninterested. maybe i should press for it?
about resources ~ i work too. the budget idea he suggested also, but wanted to set up a joint account and joint accounts are concerning to me especially now after we’ve been married and so many incidents like last night have put stress on our relationship.
Elizabeth says
October 28, 2013 at 9:24 PMMy husband is cheap, we have everything paid for, but our house is to small for our family and we drive very bad busted cars, I am not allowed to buy unnecessary pretties for my home but he can buy junk cars or fun projects because he works for it and very hard, and the thing is is we make amazing money. If I ask for something nice I am being vane and his question to me is why do I want something nice if what we have is good enough but its not good enough for me, you literally have to kick the dash to get anything to work in my car. I hate living like this I feel like a kid and the idea of spending money for fun is a joke to him, its like being trapped in a home without any motivation or excitement to look forward too.
Neal Frankle, CFP ® says
October 29, 2013 at 7:14 PMElizabeth, I am so sorry to hear about this. I assume that he would never agree to go to therapy or counseling. He must know how unhappy you are. I wonder if he would go through my book “Money Academy for Couples”? Email me and I will send you the ebook for free. Maybe that will help? Neal DOT Pilgrim AT Gmail.COM
Holley says
October 15, 2013 at 6:28 AMPersonally, I think for some, being cheap is a control issue and has very little to do with getting ahead financially. This is when it becomes painful for a loved-one. It is like a manifestation of a withholding nature due to some fear. It is ugly when it is spawned out of need for control. I am full of love and I give freely when I give. I cherish the experiences and relationships in life more than the number in my bank account. I realize that nothing that we work for is ever really insured to be a costant in our life- “things”, that is are to bring joy to ourselves and others. Money is a “thing” to be used and enjoyed. Planning is important. When money becomes more important than our relationships, it destroys them.
Neal Frankle says
October 15, 2013 at 10:32 PMReally well said Holley. You have a good perspective and the control issue is a good insight. Have you ever had to work with another person to help them let go over their need for control?
Holley says
October 16, 2013 at 2:49 AMYes, I have.. All of my life. Me. But not on this particular point. I was married to a successful entrepreneur who was in the oil-related industry. I remember buying our home and writing out the check “Paid in Full” to our 10,000 sq ft home. It was a beautiful prison; I was treated like a caged bird. His generosity during our courting days soon came to a screeching halt and I had to beg him for every dime he gave me often followed by a proclamation of what a spendthrift I was and how good he was to help all the while he was buying half a million dollar cars, etc. I stayed until I could not. I really believe that he was so untrustworthy and insecure that he could not trust others and he felt a sense of power from withholding. I left him and now, I can be generous to myself. I love money; I love what it can do for me and the people I love or want to help. But I do not love it more than people.
Neal Frankle says
October 17, 2013 at 11:47 AMThank you for sharing your story. I am of course sorry you had that experience. I am however happy to see that you came out with a great attitude and approach. I am proud that you are a Wealth Pilgrim! (If I had t-shirts or coffee mugs I’d send you one!)
Holley says
October 17, 2013 at 12:35 PMHaha! Thank you! 🙂
Crystal says
February 17, 2010 at 7:33 AMI am the “cheap man” and I was driving my hubby crazy. We sat down, wrote out our financial goals, and created the payment plan to achieve them. Money is transferred automatically to every large and small financial goal we have once all our bills are paid.
Once that started happening like clockwork, I was able to relax and stopped being a naggy you-know-what. Our marriage wasn’t in danger, but this has definitely smoothed the edges. 🙂
Rob Bennett says
December 29, 2009 at 10:03 AMRob- amazing you paid off your mortgage in 3 years! Congrats.
Thank you, Kate.
Just to be clear, it was not 3 years total. It was three years from the time I came up with this plan.
Also, we were in unusual circumstances. We were both earning an income and we had no children at the time (we now have two boys). And it was a townhouse, not a detached house. So we had options not available to most people.
Still, it was a revelation to both of us to learn that that was an option for us. And it turned out that we really were able to achieve the freedom of living without a mortgage by being willing to be a little bit “cheap.”
A few years later, we needed to move to a detached house to have room for the boys. By that time the value of the townhouse had gone up enough that we were able to move to the detached house without having to pay anything and indeed to take about $40,000 out in cash (we were moving to a less expensive area)! Saving begets saving, freedom begets freedom.
Rob
Mary says
December 29, 2009 at 12:34 PMI think I have to learn from you. I don’t plan to pay off any mortgage or anything. Just clearing out the all the credit card balance would make me super content in the mean time. I think being cheap is different for each person. But you can please everyone. If cheapness can give you financial breathing room, so be it. I need to be disciplined like you. The stupid credit cards have been hanging over my head for a few years now. Can’t wait to close them them and get rid of them. thanks for this post. Open me up to a whole new perspective.
neal@wealthpilgrim says
December 29, 2009 at 5:44 PMIf that would make you super content, go for it Mary. Half the battle is knowing what you want and you’re already clear. That’s excellent.
Keep us posted as to your progress.
Kate says
December 29, 2009 at 9:35 AMGood post. There is definitely a need to find the happy medium between being a spendthrift and being cheap.
Rob- amazing you paid off your mortgage in 3 years! Congrats.
Rob Bennett says
December 29, 2009 at 7:40 AMMy take is that whether cheap is good or not depends on the reasons why the person is being cheap.
Being cheap just to be cheap really does strike me as miserly, which is smallness, narrowness. But I question whether those who say that they just like being cheap are not in truth motivated by some good reason (of which they are not aware). It may be that they fear financial destitution and automatically favor cheapness to avoid that. That’s a healthy reason (although it certainly is possible to get carried away with it, especially if you are not aware that that is the driver of your behavior).
I persuaded my wife to be cheap. Not through words. I did it by telling her that we could pay off the mortgage in three years. She said I was nuts (despite the numbers that I showed her — numbers often are not as persuasive as we would think they would be). She went along with the plan to humor me, and, when we really paid off the mortgage she became a believer. That experience helped her see how being cheap could lead to amazing life changes.
It’s about freedom. Every single person alive wants to be more free. Very few want to be more cheap. If we just substituted the word “freedom” every time we now advocate “cheapness,” we would win a lot more converts. And “freedom” is the more accurate word for what is achieved with “cheapness” when it is being practiced properly.
Rob
Neal@Wealth Pilgrim says
December 29, 2009 at 8:32 AMI think you are right Rob. You and your wife were able to find agreement so nobody is really “cheap”. That is the point, cheap is only really in the eye of the beholder.
The issue really only comes up when the couple disagree on what cheap means. You and your wife are on the same page…hence…no problem.
Nicely done Rob.
Indian Thoughts says
December 28, 2009 at 8:55 PMwhile reading this post it seemed that somebody was describing my DH. He is just like that, he hates spending money. Nice post. I came across ur blog thru some guest post few months back and was really inspired by your story. From that day you are on my blog roll. Kepp writing and inspiring.
Neal@Wealth Pilgrim says
December 29, 2009 at 8:33 AMIndian Thoughts…..I wonder if he ever got it together…..
Do you know if he is still this way?
Indian Thoughts says
December 30, 2009 at 2:03 AMOh, he will be always like that.
But he tries to work on this just like you and I love it when he adjusts for my sake. 🙂
Daniel says
December 28, 2009 at 10:02 AMPeople don’t mind frugal people. But people hate cheap people. It just sounds dirty.
If you’re so focused on the final price that nothing else matters, you’re probably cheap. If you care about quality and are willing to pay for it, you are frugal.
The maximizers vs. satisficers argument comes into play here, and if you are a maximizer and think you are always right, just know that satisficers are generally happier.