Many people believe that if they only made more money, they would be happier and they’d get along better at home. Without the financial stress they’d have nothing to argue about they believe. My own experience tells me this is a bunch of hooey.
I’ve been talking to people about money for over 25 years. People who do what I do for a living get to know other folks pretty well. I can tell you, based on my observations, you can be miserable with your partner no matter how much money you make. How’s that for encouragement? 🙂
I’m not saying that money doesn’t make a difference. Its clearly easier to have a good life when you have a little cash in your pocket. But having financial resources isn’t a guarantee of a happy life either. In my opinion, it isn’t the amount of money that is the problem. Expectations, communication and partnership are the keys.
Expectations
Do you and your partner want the same things now and in the future? Do you share the same values with respect to spending, saving and investing? If not, it’s going to be very hard to find peace and quiet at home. You may not rank your priorities in the same order. But you should be able to understand and respect what each of you expect out of life.
Communication
I used to think that I was the financial expert at home. I was the professional. I studied finance and accounting and I made my living as a financial advisor. I was so sure that I had it down. I figured that my wife and family knew I was the pro and they should just listen and learn. I was so wrong.
Yes I had the training but I also had my own prejudices. My own personal experiences formed my opinion and they had their own experiences which were very different. Until I was willing to listen to them and take their priorities into account,I was doomed to encounter resistance. Once we started talking about our own concerns things improved big time. It had nothing to do with having more money. It had everything to do with just being more open to each other.
Partnership
Partnership is all about compromise. Because I grew up poor and in financial fear, all I wanted was to save and invest. My wife grew up a bit more balanced. Yes she wanted to save for our future but she also wanted to enjoy life now. I’ll be honest; spending money that could be otherwise saved went against the essence of who I was. I found it difficult to do this at first but I understood that my wife had a right to enjoy life so we worked out a compromise.
We came up with a savings goal that we needed to hit each month. If we reached our goal, we could put other money aside to spend on travel. This way we both win and it’s worked out well so far.
How can you and your spouse get along better?
Talk and listen. Talk about your expectations and listen to each other. Get rid of the attitude that you know what’s best. No matter how much training you have or what your background is, you don’t know what’s best for your spouse in all respects. Then, compromise and work out a plan that helps you both achieve what is most important to each of you.
This might include making more money or spending less or investing differently or a combination of all these things. But if you argue about finances, more money is not going to solve the problem in and of itself.
Do you fight about money at home? What is the best approach to solve this in your opinion?
Monevator says
May 12, 2010 at 11:46 AMHi Neal!
This is surely like the happiness and salary observation – that earning above a certain relatively low threshold doesn’t actually make you any happier.
I think if money is very tight, it’s the source of all the problems in the world. But once you’re vaguely comfortable, I wouldn’t look there for extra harmony.
Olivia says
May 7, 2010 at 2:29 AMWe see our finances as just one more thing to work through together. This may be counterintuitive, but I thing our tight finances have improved our teamwork and our communication. If we had been comfortably well off we’d have had to talk and strategize less. He’s have his money to blow, and I’d have mine. Without that luxury we’ve found other ways to have fun and make it all work.
Abigail says
May 6, 2010 at 7:36 PMBy and large, I suppose the answer would be no.
But.
We were living in Seattle. My husband was on unemployment, I was on disability and earning $900 a month in a very part-time job. Meanwhile, our rent was $700 for a one-bedroom apartment, my husband’s insurance was $502 a month. So 1/3 of our income was out the door by the third of the month.
Meanwhile, we had debt because of medical conditions and not being able to work full-time like healthy people.
Add to that the fact that my husband is ADHD, thus has impulsivity problems/problems thinking purchases through, and money was a huge issue.
We moved to Phoenix, where his health has been better and our costs are lower. I’ve become more relaxed — I get VERY uptight about debt and unnecessary spending — as we get closer to clearing our debt.
While my husband is still trying to secure a job, I recently found a real, full-time job I can do. From home.
So, until my contract work runs out — potentially next month — my work is bringing in more than we made from disability, unemployment and contract work combined. And, I’m far more relaxed about spending more than when someone is prying money out of my death-grip on it.
That said, this does go to the issue of being on the same page financially. My husband grew up in an area where people believed there’d never be enough and so you might as well enjoy it while you have it. Which is a wonderfully self-fulfilling prophecy.
I grew up being told to save, save, save for the future, to the detriment of the present.
We’ve made big strides toward a middle ground. He reminds me to enjoy the here and now a bit. I remind him to be responsible for the future — because, by being responsible, we can have a good future.
It’s dicey at times, but it’s done us both a lot of good.
Neal@Wealth Pilgrim says
May 9, 2010 at 2:47 PMFirst, congratulations on pulling things together from such a tough situation.
I like that you and your husband balance each other out. My wife and I do the same for each other. It’s nice.
Thisiswhyubroke! says
May 6, 2010 at 4:08 PMI agree Neal! While its true money arguments are one of the chief causes for divorce…that does not mean that all of those arguments are because there were low amounts of money being discussed. It simply means that they let money become the focal point in their relationship no matter how much each spouse made.
http://thisiswhyuBROKE.wordpress.com
“Because ridicule is the most effective form of education”
Aury (Thunderdrake) says
May 6, 2010 at 4:38 PMI agree wholeheartedly with this one. It’s silly to believe more money will make a happier relationship. Most people who wind up with more money, end up getting more materialistic and falling into greater debts. It’s baffling, really..
Len Penzo says
May 6, 2010 at 12:03 PMI’ve long advocated that the surest way to marital bliss (at least with respect to eliminating money issues) is for couples to act as team when it comes to managing the household finances. In my household, the Honeybee – who happens to be a stay-at-home mom – is responsible for the CFO duties (e.g., managing the books on a day-to-day basis) and I am in responsible for the long-term strategic planning (e.g., long-term planning).
As a result, all our arguments now usually revolve around sex. LOL
All the best,
Len
Len Penzo dot Com
Neal@pilgrim says
May 6, 2010 at 2:15 PMLen,
LOL….I hope you win.
Nunzio Bruno says
May 6, 2010 at 12:25 PMI would have to say the most important thing I pulled out of this post was about getting couples on the same page financially. Everyone of us has expectations and goals/aspirations that we internalize and it’s frustrating when we stagger in reaching them. It’s easy to place blame on a spouse for being the cause of or for the lack of support for goals they didn’t even know you had. It’s sounds a little cheesy but it’s not just about communication that couples should focus on it’s about having the right conversations especially when it comes to money and joint financial decisions. Nice post!!
Neal@pilgrim says
May 6, 2010 at 2:17 PMNunzio,
Excellent point. Having the right conversation is likely THE MOST critical element of success. THanks for bringing that up man.
karyn says
May 6, 2010 at 4:45 AMMy husband and I don’t argue much about money – we’re pretty much on the same page and work hard to stay out of debt. However, a little more financial “wiggle-room” would probably improve our relationship just because we wouldn’t have those stressful conversations about how to make it all work. On the other hand, we have consciously chosen to live with less so I could stay home with the kids and so that we could live in a small, rural town instead of a city.
I think if the relationship is having problems, there’s always going to be something to argue about until the couple gets down to discussing what’s really bothering them.
Bytta@151DaysOff says
May 6, 2010 at 1:07 AMMy guess is most of your readers (myself included) would say no out of the view that it’s not money per se that makes them and their partners get along.
But the question is also subjective to the couples’ current financial situation. We are lucky to be living comfortably so any financial increase does not influence our “getting-along-ness” greatly.
Would a couple with minimal income get along better when they see improvement in their finances? I would say it will reduce the financial stress and that good feeling might permeate in their relationship.