photo coutesy of The Library Of Congress, Flikr
Many of you sent me fascinating emails and posted comments on my Mother’s Day idea to impose a boycott. I want to share two that have a different take on the subject.
The first email I received was from Johanna. She doesn’t think I’m a villain, but…
“In my family, we plant my mom’s garden every year for Mother’s Day. We also go to my mother-in-law’s and all have brunch together (either made by the guys or at a local inexpensive cafe). My kids always make me cards — no buying allowed. My husband usually finds pictures we’ve taken over the year of the kids and puts them together in a collage (done on the computer) and inserts them in a frame we keep just for that purpose.
Taking time out to honor the folks we love seems like a good idea, because everyone gets caught up in everyday life and can forget to say “hey, thanks, and I love you.” But big spending? Totally unnecessary.”
Good points Johanna! I love the way you consciously celebrate not only the day but each other. I think you are introducing your children to some wonderful lessons. This is a great way to teach kids about money too.
Andy, a Wealth Pilgrim if ever there was one, has a very different view of it. His point was so well made, I had to share it with you:
Firstly, I agree that mothers day was probably started by Hallmark with the sole intent of making money. And there is no doubt in mind that many people still approach the day with that thought on their mind.
However, in economics there is a very important concept of externalities. Basically any action is not an isolated event.
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Externalities
My best argument is centered around the belief that our actions are not isolated events but our actions actually shape our feelings and thoughts. Even when that is not our intention.
Charlton Heston claimed that playing the role of Moses affected him in a positive way and strengthened his own religiosity.
On the other side Ralph Fiennes claimed that playing the Nazi Commander in Schindler’s List caused him to have dark moods and behavior.
So quite simply, it does not matter how much we say we appreciation our wife’s and mothers because the simple act of buying something will increase our appreciation for the recipient even more.
It is in our DNA, we can’t change it.
Who’s right? Do you think that the simple act of buying something does indeed make you appreciate someone even more? So does that mean if we really love someone we can justify spending too much and later needing to get out of credit card debt? Or can you make something and will that suffice?
I must admit that until I read Andy’s email, I never would have thought that buying a gift for someone might change my overall relationship to that person, but after thinking about it, I must say that Andy may have a point.
Just the same, I’m not 100% persuaded. The main reason is this:
I don’t want to give myself the easy way out.
If I accept this logic, I could rationalize my behavior. I could tell myself that I’ve completed my obligation to another person if I simply buy them a gift. Andy isn’t saying this exactly, but I do think his argument could have that consequence.
There have been times in the past when I bought someone a gift without really wanting to do so. I felt I had to do it. I don’t think I ever got closer to those people just because I went through the motions of doing something nice for them. If anything, it made me resent them and myself. Now I never give a gift if it doesn’t come from my heart.
I do believe that we can act our way into our feelings. I know this is so from firsthand experience – but I’m just not sure that spending money on someone is going to help me appreciate them more.
Tell you what…I’ll ask my family to try an experiment. (Are you listening, daughters?) I know you made cards for your mother this year but didn’t spend any money for Mother’s Day. Father’s Day is coming up. I want you to spend lavishly on me. We’ll regroup and see who you care more about! 🙂
What do you think the result will be?
Mitchell Allen says
As I cheekily commented upon thunbing up this post, this is one of the more interesting forms of link-bait.
Really, what can people say? There is no right or wrong. Just ask an employee at Hallmark.
Or a person who spent a childhood of abuse at the hands of his mother.
I love provocative questions like this because it forces me to ponder my motivations in responding (ergo, link-bait!!!)
On the one hand, if I advocate a boycott, will I be seen as a misogynistic ogre? On the other hand, what can I possibly add to the conversation in favor of celebrating the people who labor to keep the human race going?
Let’s see what happens:
I think we should not boycott holidays. Whatever reasons we have for our displeasure, they have little to do with the enjoyment others derive from participation.
There. I wimped out. 🙂
Cheers,
Mitch
Neal says
Well said rj.
Do you think though the focus on this one day is a benefit or a detriment to the relationship?
rjleaman says
Actually, ‘Mother’s Day’ or ‘Mothering Sunday’ has a long and respectable tradition in the UK and Europe. The idea was to honoour the mother of the household and give her a special day off-duty, with perhaps a small gift (handmade, of course, in the days before industrialization) as a token of affection and appreciation. Naturally, Hallmark and its kind saw a golden opportunity there, and therein lies the problem – it’s not Mother’s Day that’s flawed, but the commercialization of it. And if expressions of love have to involve spending money, that would suggest that we’re in pretty bad shape as a society.
Andy says
Nicely written Neal.
I can’t wait to read the various comments.
Neal says
Thanks PW and Nancy.
PW, I am sorry for your loss. I know it hurts…..
I am learning so much from all you Wealth Pilgrims…..
Yes. I’m hearing from you that it’s a question of balance. I can see that what may be meaningful to one person may not have meaning to someone else. I get it.
I think the bottom line is that we should be the ones deciding what has meaning rather than allow Madison Avenue to sell us.
tom says
Well there is of course a balance to strive for, although for some it may not be that way.
Imagine someone who makes good money like 100K, for them spending lots of money on someone may be the way they show appreciation.
The problem comes in when their intentions are otherwise or when the receiver of the gift takes advantage.
So in the end it is about a communication barrier.
PW says
My husband’s and my mom are now both deceased. I am happy for every celebration we had throughout the years. Rather then a monitary time,it got the family to stop their daily rush and eat together, sometimes in a restaurant, sometimes at home at the grill. Older kids, grandkids and even great grandkids had a special time to spend with all the moms.They were precious moments,with nice photos for our memories. Can be cheap or expensive. It just made everyone stop and spend time together.
Nancy from Massachusetts says
In some ways I agree with Andy, that buying the perfect gift for someone you love, does make you appreciate them more. That being said, some people (and I do know some that are like this) feel that the only way to properly show appreciation or love, is to buy them something.
I would rather receive flowers for no reason during the year (which I regularly do) than receive them because the calendar says I should (the same goes for Valentines day). For Fathers Day, Hubby will get a handmade card and will probably go hit a bucket of balls with our son, then we’ll have a nice meal. However, if I happen to find him something at the store, I will pick it up and our son can give it to him on that day. Even if it’s just a new pair of golf socks…