Does someone you know need motivation badly? Are they waiting to get fired up before they get to work on improving their financial situation? Are you the one trying to fire them up?
Here’s a better idea: fire them instead. This can be a very tough thing to do, especially if it’s your kid we’re talking about, but it could be the best course of action possible.
I recently met with a friend whose daughter pulled a boomerang on them.
After my friend and his wife spent over $125,000 helping their little princess Cindy earn a degree in business, she came back home. She didn’t have to worry about finding work without having been to college. She had all the tools. But she wouldn’t get off the couch and find work. Instead, Cindy spent her time racking up credit card debt on the internet – and exhausting my friend’s potato chip supply. She found a job, and when she returned home her parents asked how it went. Her response? “I got fired.” Her parents were desperate.
Cindy and her parents visited me recently, and we found ourselves having a very open and direct conversation about the situation. I asked Cindy what her ultimate goals were.
She told me that she wanted to travel and have freedom. She told me she wanted to travel to Spain and learn Spanish. She talked about her traveling dreams in great detail and painted a wonderful picture for all of us. I asked Cindy what was holding her back from living her dream.
She told me that she didn’t have any money and then she told me about the debt she had accumulated. She explained that she was bored and just spent her time buying jewelry on the internet.
She told me that she tried to stop those behaviors but found herself going back to her internet buying habit every single time. I asked her if she’d ever be able to travel to those wonderful places if she continued that behavior and didn’t get out of credit card debt.
Cindy acknowledged that if she continued her spending behavior, she’d never be able to afford bus fare to Burbank let alone a trip to Spain. At that point, I shared an idea that I’d heard several years earlier.
“Cindy, your best thinking got you where you are today. Your best thoughts have you firing up the computer and spending money you don’t have. Your best thoughts got you to rack up $7,000 in credit card debt. Your best thoughts are keeping you on the couch instead of looking for work. ”
I asked her to consider “firing herself” and going to Debtors Anonymous. She doesn’t lack knowledge…she knows exactly what to do. She doesn’t lack skill – she is a very smart and talented young woman. Her problem isn’t even motivation. She has a voice in her head that tells her that she really should stop spending money and she really should look for work.
Her problem is that she listens to the other little voice inside her head. You know…the one that tells her to get her act together starting tomorrow. My experience tells me tomorrow never comes and that the messages we get from that little destructive voice inside doesn’t change and doesn’t go away.
Cindy’s problem is herself. She has to fire herself and start taking direction from another source.
In Cindy’s case, I suggested that she attend Debtors Anonymous meetings. My sense is that Cindy needs an attitude adjustment more than a job. Once she gets her head on straight, she’ll find some kind of work.
I don’t know if Cindy took action, but I also had a few ideas for her parents.
My idea was that if the parents didn’t like Cindy’s behavior, they didn’t have to stand for it. They couldn’t force Cindy to find work, but they could tell her that if she did not attend a certain number of DA meetings each week they would ask her to leave the house.
Do you think I stepped over the line? Was my advice too harsh? Should I have referred this family to a therapist instead?
Neal says
July 27, 2009 at 5:51 PMKaryn, A truly insightful comment. Yes. It never occurred to me….they wanted me to do the dirty work in a sense….which I could not.
Since they are unwilling to “suit up and show up” Cindy is going to have to pay the price I suppose.
Wiz,
I am in your camp. I had a similar experience although not out of conscious decision.
Adversity is in fact our great friend. We should embrace it. Having said that, I realize that it’s easier said than done when it’s your own children involved. You were very lucky to have a strong mother.
karyn says
July 27, 2009 at 1:07 PMI think you were right on with your advice since they came to you. However, just the fact that they came to you instead of dealing with Cindy directly suggests that no one in the family is ready to take responsibility yet and the parents wanted you to play “bad cop”. Has she even cut the credit card up yet?
Wizard Prang says
July 27, 2009 at 12:01 PMThis is a subject that I could speak volumes on…
One of the wisest decisions that my mother made was to get me a summer job at a teenager, working in a factory. I very quickly saw where people ended up when they gave up on life.
Another hard but wise decision was to encourage me to go to a University hundreds of miles from home, even though we lived in London.
Two years out of college I was fired from my employer. They were a small company; I had been there for nine months, and they dumped me on the eve of the annual profit share.
Two months later I went freelance. That was twenty years ago. I have been a Computer Consultant ever since.
The bottom line: “Adversity makes men (or women!), prosperity makes monsters”; We learn from our failures. Unfortunately, I see a lot of parents who are terrified of letting their children fail.
Sometimes the best and hardest thing that a parent can say to their grown child is “NO”.
Neal says
July 26, 2009 at 6:20 PMAuntielle,
I fear that you are right.
I don’t think Cindy is going to get it together…why should she? She’s got it made – at least she thinks so.
Her only hope is if her parents start acting treating Cindy like an adult. That means giving her consequences.
Auntielle says
July 26, 2009 at 9:13 AMI don’t think you overstepped at all. In fact, you probably weren’t “harsh” enough. Not that it would have made any difference, though. It is clear that Cindy’s parents are her primary enablers – and, in fact, THEY are the reason that Cindy is allowed to spend her time lying around the house munching on chips and charging jewelry.
Her parents really are not doing their daughter any favors by not requiring more of her, but until they are willing to give her some sort of ultimatum, things are most likely not going to change. Of course, I hope to goodness that I am wrong; the best scenario would be that Cindy herself would decide to start requiring more of herself. She is really putting “living her life” on hold, and is merely “existing” right now, and not really seeming to enjoy her life much the way it sounds.
I have a friend whose younger brother (now in his fifties) is still living at home with his widowed mother. He has a B.A. degree in Psychology from USC, is an attractive, sociable guy with an outstanding education, tons of talent and personality, but because his parents never required more of him in order for him to be allowed to stay at home, he has continued to be a financial drain and a source of embarrassment to the entire family.
I truly hope this is not what Cindy’s future will be; the road to true happiness does NOT lie in taking the path of least resistance in life. Sorry if this sounds harsh; I just hate to think of a talented, educated young woman wasting what should be a very happy, productive, fulfilling time in her life.
Neal says
July 26, 2009 at 6:37 AMGreat story…(I hope you are feeling better Matt)
The world has a way of letting us know when we need to change directions. Sometimes it’s just a matter of being willing to listen and stop fighting.
Matt Jabs says
July 25, 2009 at 7:47 PMOne of the coolest moments in my early professional life came the day I was fired from my first job out of college.
I was answering phones & doing software support for accounting software *BARF* – sorry I just threw up in my mouth a little bit.
The day I was “let go” I decided to start my own computer business, which I ran very happily & successfully for about 2 years, before dissolving it & landing a job that better suited my personality & skill set.
Firings, layoffs, & most job transitions almost always appear grievous at firts… but in the end usually wind up being some of our best sources of motivation & creativity!
Neal says
July 25, 2009 at 1:44 PMTomasz, I agree. Cindy’s mother called me the next day and told me she looked up the meetings and gave her a list…..I knew right then it was over. Cindy and her parent’s are still yet to hit bottom.
Wiz,
I think you hit the nail on the head….yet again.
Ann,
Well…..you have an excellent point…they asked me for advice and I was honest with them.
Thanks,
Neal
Ann says
July 25, 2009 at 1:14 PMSince the whole trio came to see you voluntarily, you didn’t overstep your bounds, IMO.
The part of me that has a “thing” for chocolate heard loud and clear that I need to fire it!!! Thanks for the great way to frame this…
Wizard Prang says
July 25, 2009 at 9:18 AM“After my friend and his wife spent over $125,000 helping their little princess Cindy earn a degree in business…”
There is the beginning – and perhaps the end – of the problem.
tomasz says
July 25, 2009 at 7:14 AMHonestly, a family therapist wouldn’t be that much of help. Because it would be hard enough of a task to get the whole family to agree to therapy and on top of that, the goal would be to improve the whole family unit which not everyone may be open to and willing.
Some people just really need a harsh reality and just not worth your time if they are not willing to at least listen. If they listen, they should be able to start seeing the big picture.