Would you and your special love bunny get along better if you made more money? Many people believe that if they only made more money, their lives would be perfect. Money and marriage are important, but maybe not for the reasons you think.
Life would be great with more money, people tell themselves. They’d own the perfect home. Their kids would go to the perfect schools. They’d drive the perfect car. And…oh yes…they’d never fight with their spouse. If only they made more money.
My own experience tells me this is a bunch of hooey.
I’ve been talking to people about money for over 25 years. People who do what I do for a living get to know other folks pretty well. I can tell you, based on my observations, that you can be miserable with your partner no matter how much money you make. Oh…and yes…you can be stay very much in love without very much cash at all.
In my opinion, it isn’t the amount of money that is the problem. It’s your perception about what your life should look like that is the problem. If you believe that you are the luckiest soul on earth for no other reason than you have two lungs, eyes, feet and hands, you probably rarely ever argue about money with anybody. You’re too busy being grateful.
But if you believe that you deserve a certain lifestyle, any financial decision or behavior that contradicts that dream is going to be a problem. You’re going to resist it. And you’re going to argue. I’ve seen couples that never argue – even though they live at subsistence levels. Other couples fight despite opulence and vast wealth.
Why?
Because they have different perceptions about what their lives should look like.
I’ve written about this extensively in my book Money Academy for Couples. In it I provide a number of exercises designed to help you get on the same page financially with your partner. My theory is that if you can simply get on the same page financially, you’ll argue a lot less no matter how much or little money you have.
How can you and your spouse get along better?
Your first step: stop wasting time thinking that you need to make more money in order to improve your relationship. If anything, you’ll start making more money once your relationship is solid. Think about your definition of success. Is it money or serenity?
What’s been your experience? Do you argue more when your resources are limited? Have you worked out a solution in your relationship? What is it?
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{ 12 comments… read them below or add one }
My guess is most of your readers (myself included) would say no out of the view that it’s not money per se that makes them and their partners get along.
But the question is also subjective to the couples’ current financial situation. We are lucky to be living comfortably so any financial increase does not influence our “getting-along-ness” greatly.
Would a couple with minimal income get along better when they see improvement in their finances? I would say it will reduce the financial stress and that good feeling might permeate in their relationship.
My husband and I don’t argue much about money – we’re pretty much on the same page and work hard to stay out of debt. However, a little more financial “wiggle-room” would probably improve our relationship just because we wouldn’t have those stressful conversations about how to make it all work. On the other hand, we have consciously chosen to live with less so I could stay home with the kids and so that we could live in a small, rural town instead of a city.
I think if the relationship is having problems, there’s always going to be something to argue about until the couple gets down to discussing what’s really bothering them.
I would have to say the most important thing I pulled out of this post was about getting couples on the same page financially. Everyone of us has expectations and goals/aspirations that we internalize and it’s frustrating when we stagger in reaching them. It’s easy to place blame on a spouse for being the cause of or for the lack of support for goals they didn’t even know you had. It’s sounds a little cheesy but it’s not just about communication that couples should focus on it’s about having the right conversations especially when it comes to money and joint financial decisions. Nice post!!
Nunzio,
Excellent point. Having the right conversation is likely THE MOST critical element of success. THanks for bringing that up man.
I’ve long advocated that the surest way to marital bliss (at least with respect to eliminating money issues) is for couples to act as team when it comes to managing the household finances. In my household, the Honeybee – who happens to be a stay-at-home mom – is responsible for the CFO duties (e.g., managing the books on a day-to-day basis) and I am in responsible for the long-term strategic planning (e.g., long-term planning).
As a result, all our arguments now usually revolve around sex. LOL
All the best,
Len
Len Penzo dot Com
Len,
LOL….I hope you win.
I agree wholeheartedly with this one. It’s silly to believe more money will make a happier relationship. Most people who wind up with more money, end up getting more materialistic and falling into greater debts. It’s baffling, really..
I agree Neal! While its true money arguments are one of the chief causes for divorce…that does not mean that all of those arguments are because there were low amounts of money being discussed. It simply means that they let money become the focal point in their relationship no matter how much each spouse made.
http://thisiswhyuBROKE.wordpress.com
“Because ridicule is the most effective form of education”
By and large, I suppose the answer would be no.
But.
We were living in Seattle. My husband was on unemployment, I was on disability and earning $900 a month in a very part-time job. Meanwhile, our rent was $700 for a one-bedroom apartment, my husband’s insurance was $502 a month. So 1/3 of our income was out the door by the third of the month.
Meanwhile, we had debt because of medical conditions and not being able to work full-time like healthy people.
Add to that the fact that my husband is ADHD, thus has impulsivity problems/problems thinking purchases through, and money was a huge issue.
We moved to Phoenix, where his health has been better and our costs are lower. I’ve become more relaxed — I get VERY uptight about debt and unnecessary spending — as we get closer to clearing our debt.
While my husband is still trying to secure a job, I recently found a real, full-time job I can do. From home.
So, until my contract work runs out — potentially next month — my work is bringing in more than we made from disability, unemployment and contract work combined. And, I’m far more relaxed about spending more than when someone is prying money out of my death-grip on it.
That said, this does go to the issue of being on the same page financially. My husband grew up in an area where people believed there’d never be enough and so you might as well enjoy it while you have it. Which is a wonderfully self-fulfilling prophecy.
I grew up being told to save, save, save for the future, to the detriment of the present.
We’ve made big strides toward a middle ground. He reminds me to enjoy the here and now a bit. I remind him to be responsible for the future — because, by being responsible, we can have a good future.
It’s dicey at times, but it’s done us both a lot of good.
First, congratulations on pulling things together from such a tough situation.
I like that you and your husband balance each other out. My wife and I do the same for each other. It’s nice.
We see our finances as just one more thing to work through together. This may be counterintuitive, but I thing our tight finances have improved our teamwork and our communication. If we had been comfortably well off we’d have had to talk and strategize less. He’s have his money to blow, and I’d have mine. Without that luxury we’ve found other ways to have fun and make it all work.
Hi Neal!
This is surely like the happiness and salary observation – that earning above a certain relatively low threshold doesn’t actually make you any happier.
I think if money is very tight, it’s the source of all the problems in the world. But once you’re vaguely comfortable, I wouldn’t look there for extra harmony.