Stop Fighting about Money Now
By Neal Frankle
Even though y0u may think it’s impossible, you can stop fighting about money with your spouse or partner. Often the problem is that you each define “frugality” differently. The question is, when does frugality become a compulsion?
This is of course a very tricky subject. Again, what’s frugal to you might be ostentatious to your spouse or partner (or the other way around). Your spouse might think that Netflix is a selfish luxury, but you might think it’s an inexpensive way to enjoy time at home. Really the question is, when does someone need to learn how to stop spending money and when does someone need to learn to relax?
What makes this problem more difficult is that our financial situations change over time. When someone is broke and in college, it might make sense to take the laundry home and do it there. But at 30 years old and working, that same behavior isn’t really OK…is it?
When someone was in debt, maybe it made sense not to go out. But once they get out of debt, the situation changes. If they still refrain from meeting friends for a cup of coffee because they’re afraid of spending the money, that’s just old behavior and it’s compulsive.
Don’t get me wrong, I have no judgment about this. I’ll admit that I have been compulsively frugal at times. And at times, I struggle to find balance. My problem likely stems from the challenges I faced growing up. But it doesn’t really matter what the source of the problem is. What matters is how to overcome it.
If you are living with someone who is compulsively frugal, I know you’ve got a tough fight on your hands. How do you get someone to see that their frugal behavior is over the top?
My fear is that unless you find a way to resolve spending disagreements, the chances of you staying together and being happy are small.
Jim and Debby faced this issue a few years ago. Jim grew up dirt-poor. Even though he became a successful scientist, he acted as if he was still a hungry little kid growing up in cold Chicago.
When I met him, he had more money than he knew what to do with – yet he refused to go on vacations or otherwise enjoy life. Worse yet, he made Debby miserable with his miserly ways. She felt trapped because Jim made the money. He reminded her of that constantly and controlled how every penny was spent. She still loved him. She didn’t want a divorce. But she was really unhappy and needed a solution.
What would you suggest to Debby? Do you think divorce is the only solution?
In a similar situation in my own life, part of the solution I came up with was to determine how much money I need. If I can answer the question how much money do I need to retire and work out a plan to achieve that, what do I care if I spend the excess? That really helped me get a grip and start enjoying life a lot more.
What would you suggest?
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I’d suggest Debby get a job so she’ll have her OWN money to enjoy all the things she wants. Of course, depending on her situation, that may not be practical. It doesn’t really address the core of the situation, though. I think they need some couples counseling.
One word: budget.
I’ll admit it – I can be over-the-top frugal. The only way my husband stays sane is that we agree on categories and goals. So if we save $5000 for a vacation, we can spend $5000 for the vacation. We’re about to start saving for a major trip to visit family in Europe in the next two years. He can appreciate my coupon-clipping, leftover-eating ways because when we do reach a goal, I let go.
Whether Debby & Jim can get there without a counselor is another matter. And while I do think there’s also merit to Debby finding her own income – but I’m not sure that would actually resolve the issue, or just drive them farther apart.
Uugh, I’d never want to be in Debby’s situation – I’d get my own job and have my own independence. No offense to Debby of course, if she’s comfortable requiring her husband to bring in all the money. But I have more radical ideas about equality. I think financial freedom is so important that without it we might not even be able to have truly equal relationships with anyone. So I think the points you’ve made here are good. When you penny pinch that much, maybe it means you’re focusing on the wrong things.
Money Energy,
I think that Debby might benefit greatly by having her own income – but at this point, it’s not going to be an immediate solution. Even if she gets a job, it may not generate the income that gives her the kind of equal footing she deserves w/her husband.
I also like Abby’s idea about using a budget.I think Jim has got to agree to a budget that they mutually come up with. Otherwise, I don’t see much future in the Jim/Debby enterprise.
Having been in Debby’s situation, I can relate. My husband made the bulk of our money and never wanted to enjoy it. You had to light a bomb under him to get him to go on vacation or buy a new sofa. I made money too, but I wanted to share good times and the fruits of our labors with him because I loved him. He was incapable of doing that. We eventually divorced.
Also keep in mind that this situation was probably exactly the same even before they got married too. She entered the marriage knowing that he was like this, and so she should have no expectation that he’s going to change after marriage. A leopard can’t change its spots, and all that.
But that being said, spouses need to work together, have a common goal, and that dictates how the house money gets spent. It’s not “his money” and “her money” any more – it is their money.
She shouldn’t be expecting 3 vacations a year, but she should expect to have some vote in how money is spent. If it’s important to her, it should be important to him. They should have worked this out in marriage counselling before getting married.
Scott makes a good point.
We do decide who we spend our time with and marry. Deb should look at that otherwise, even if she leaves, she’ll end up with a similar problem.
Sounds like therapy is the best course of action for this couple.
why do people always run to a divorce? That’s just lazy. Make your own money or see a counselor to help you find a compromise. Clearly Jim needs therapy!
Roxy,
I’d have to agree w/you on that. The question is, does Jim see this as a problem he’s willing to work on?