What’s worse than a cheap husband? Not much. While far from universally true, my experience tells me that between men and women, it’s the man who is usually the cheap SOB. Is this really so? I can only speak for myself of course, but I’ll be the first to admit that you could consider me a cheap man.
(My middle daughter, while proofreading this post, was quick to confirm it, so I suppose there is no room for doubt anymore.)
I don’t consider the label of “cheap” all that bad, to be frank. It’s almost a badge of honor in my opinion. I think quite a few times before I buy anything. I do a fair amount of research. When in doubt, I don’t spend. I have the mindset that there are very few things we really need beyond the basics. Call me crazy…but that’s how I deal with money.
What’s wrong with that? Does this cheap man need to be cured?
Well…the problem is that not everybody thinks like I do. I live with other people and even if I’m sure I’m right, I can’t just impose my philosophy on everyone. At least, not if I want to stay married and have a family that wants to be near me. If you want to save your money and marriage, you might want to consider all this.
Nobody likes to be told what to do – nobody. If I try to be the “King Pilgrim” I’ll alienate everyone. Using money as a weapon is financial infidelity in marriage because it destroys the partnership. I don’t want to live like that and nobody in my family wants that either. If you are a cheap man, do you need to be cured or fixed? Well, if you want to avoid divorce – or stop a divorce if your relationship is on the rocks – I think the answer is clear.
Don’t wait for everyone around you to change, oh Cheap One. They won’t. (The only thing they might change is their address.)
Let me go one step further. I’m often convinced that my cheapness is right and that we shouldn’t really spend that money – but I give in anyway. Why? Because I have to pick and choose my battles just like the other members of my family do. Sometimes I’d rather be happy than right.
And I often find in retrospect that I was wrong (not to spend). I guess I’m still not “all knowing” like I thought I was. Crapola. But I’m not going to lie to you or myself. My nature is to refrain from spending. It’s my first and almost automatic reaction to spending situations.
That’s how I work.
Sometimes this works really well for our family. For example, we’re fortunate to have absolutely no debt at all, to live below our means and to save a decent amount each year. We are on track, thankfully. But sometimes a “no” comes out of my mouth even though a “yes” would be OK and I know it, deep in my heart. That causes unnecessary stress.
So how is a cheap man cured?
My experience tells me that the only cure is to start creating a financial plan.
This financial plan must show both the cheap man and the others in the family whether or not they are on track to reach their financial goals. The financial plan actually gets rid of the labels “cheap” and “spendthrift.”
The plan will show you what you need to do with your money to get out of debt and save for your future. Either you are doing it or you aren’t. Period.
A financial plan is the basis for setting up budgets. Setting aside money for debts, savings, retirement, vacation and fun. If you, Mr. Cheap Man, can agree with your spouse or significant other on a plan and budgets, you will be cured. You can do a financial plan on your own or you can have it done – but just make sure you get it done. You will no longer be called “the cheap man.”
That’s it. No other tool will do. If you are a cheap man or are living with one, there is nothing else you should do unless and until you create your plan.
If those cheap behaviors are driving you and everyone around you nuts, you’ve found your answer. That’s why I think therapists can’t save the marriage when money is the issue. They usually don’t know jack about finances and they can’t advise you on this subject either.
I’m super curious to know if you solved your financial conflict by creating a financial plan. If not, what did solve the problem?
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{ 11 comments… read them below or add one }
People don’t mind frugal people. But people hate cheap people. It just sounds dirty.
If you’re so focused on the final price that nothing else matters, you’re probably cheap. If you care about quality and are willing to pay for it, you are frugal.
The maximizers vs. satisficers argument comes into play here, and if you are a maximizer and think you are always right, just know that satisficers are generally happier.
.-= Daniel´s last blog ..The Easiest Way To Save Money =-.
while reading this post it seemed that somebody was describing my DH. He is just like that, he hates spending money. Nice post. I came across ur blog thru some guest post few months back and was really inspired by your story. From that day you are on my blog roll. Kepp writing and inspiring.
.-= Indian Thoughts´s last blog ..Guilt Shopping =-.
Indian Thoughts…..I wonder if he ever got it together…..
Do you know if he is still this way?
Oh, he will be always like that.
But he tries to work on this just like you and I love it when he adjusts for my sake.
.-= Indian Thoughts´s last blog ..May God Save All Whirlpool Customers =-.
My take is that whether cheap is good or not depends on the reasons why the person is being cheap.
Being cheap just to be cheap really does strike me as miserly, which is smallness, narrowness. But I question whether those who say that they just like being cheap are not in truth motivated by some good reason (of which they are not aware). It may be that they fear financial destitution and automatically favor cheapness to avoid that. That’s a healthy reason (although it certainly is possible to get carried away with it, especially if you are not aware that that is the driver of your behavior).
I persuaded my wife to be cheap. Not through words. I did it by telling her that we could pay off the mortgage in three years. She said I was nuts (despite the numbers that I showed her — numbers often are not as persuasive as we would think they would be). She went along with the plan to humor me, and, when we really paid off the mortgage she became a believer. That experience helped her see how being cheap could lead to amazing life changes.
It’s about freedom. Every single person alive wants to be more free. Very few want to be more cheap. If we just substituted the word “freedom” every time we now advocate “cheapness,” we would win a lot more converts. And “freedom” is the more accurate word for what is achieved with “cheapness” when it is being practiced properly.
Rob
.-= Rob Bennett´s last blog ..“Fixed Income Should Equal Age, BUT Adjusted Up or Down Depending on Valuations” =-.
I think you are right Rob. You and your wife were able to find agreement so nobody is really “cheap”. That is the point, cheap is only really in the eye of the beholder.
The issue really only comes up when the couple disagree on what cheap means. You and your wife are on the same page…hence…no problem.
Nicely done Rob.
Good post. There is definitely a need to find the happy medium between being a spendthrift and being cheap.
Rob- amazing you paid off your mortgage in 3 years! Congrats.
Rob- amazing you paid off your mortgage in 3 years! Congrats.
Thank you, Kate.
Just to be clear, it was not 3 years total. It was three years from the time I came up with this plan.
Also, we were in unusual circumstances. We were both earning an income and we had no children at the time (we now have two boys). And it was a townhouse, not a detached house. So we had options not available to most people.
Still, it was a revelation to both of us to learn that that was an option for us. And it turned out that we really were able to achieve the freedom of living without a mortgage by being willing to be a little bit “cheap.”
A few years later, we needed to move to a detached house to have room for the boys. By that time the value of the townhouse had gone up enough that we were able to move to the detached house without having to pay anything and indeed to take about $40,000 out in cash (we were moving to a less expensive area)! Saving begets saving, freedom begets freedom.
Rob
.-= Rob Bennett´s last blog ..“Fixed Income Should Equal Age, BUT Adjusted Up or Down Depending on Valuations” =-.
I think I have to learn from you. I don’t plan to pay off any mortgage or anything. Just clearing out the all the credit card balance would make me super content in the mean time. I think being cheap is different for each person. But you can please everyone. If cheapness can give you financial breathing room, so be it. I need to be disciplined like you. The stupid credit cards have been hanging over my head for a few years now. Can’t wait to close them them and get rid of them. thanks for this post. Open me up to a whole new perspective.
If that would make you super content, go for it Mary. Half the battle is knowing what you want and you’re already clear. That’s excellent.
Keep us posted as to your progress.
.-= neal@wealthpilgrim´s last blog ..How To Repair A Cheap Man – Save Your Money and Marriage =-.
I am the “cheap man” and I was driving my hubby crazy. We sat down, wrote out our financial goals, and created the payment plan to achieve them. Money is transferred automatically to every large and small financial goal we have once all our bills are paid.
Once that started happening like clockwork, I was able to relax and stopped being a naggy you-know-what. Our marriage wasn’t in danger, but this has definitely smoothed the edges.