That said, I agree Jim’s response seems over the top – not the being angry, but the over-drama and in particular the communication shutdown.

It’s impossible to fix anything when people don’t communicate, unless they’re both the type who can genuinely forget and not keep score, and in my experience few are!

On that note, they must accept neither will ever think the other was right over the laptop.

The key as you say Neal is to set the shared rules so that next time there’s less ambiguity.

OR

They could both act like adults and find a solution. Too many people think marriage is just until it becomes inconvenient instead of until death these days.

I think at the very least, they need to get some counseling. A therapist or religious leader could help them set better boundaries about money and spending. It’s a hard transition to make, going for “my money” to “our money.”

That said, I think some of the people have it right that he obviously feels horribly threatened. Hence the line about not being important anymore. That’s a pretty loaded statement for a single purchase. Especially one that she’s offered to take back.

A lot of abuse starts with control issues and develops further. They alienate you from friends, control the money (so you can’t really leave) and so on.

That probably sounds like an over-reaction to most people. But there are a few red flags here that worry me.

First, he’s freaking out and not letting this thing go. That’s a pretty big purchase to be made without consulting your spouse. But she apparently didn’t go into debt for it, so he needs to figure out how to get over it. The fact that he shows no signs of doing so? Bad juju.

What’s worse, when she offered to rectify the situation by returning the thing, he got angry. I could understand that the return won’t fix everything. But his anger tells her it would be worse to return it.

So, let’s review: He is holding something over her head to make her feel terrible and like a bad person. He shows no signs of stopping this behavior. He gets angry when she tries to resolve the problem (because that would be once again, taking away his control). And he refuses to even talk about finance anymore with her.

These are huge warning signs that he can’t handle not having complete power over situations. Even if he doesn’t become verbally and emotionally abusive — and, frankly, he’s already about halfway there if he doesn’t drop this thing soon — making a life with someone with power issues is a very hard road to travel.
.-= Abigail´s last blog ..Sleep and personal finance =-.

I would agree. Jim obviously has a problem. Some trauma. Perhaps Karin knew about this and was insensitive. We don’t have all the info but you make a good point…..as always.
.-= Neal´s last blog ..How To Fix a Marriage After Financial Infidelity =-.