Happiness Is Over Rated and Way Too Expensive

Note – I believe happiness is over rated
and too expensive sometimes.  I wrote the following post last week.  At the time, I was on a 13 hour plane trip from Los Angeles to Tel Aviv on my way to visit my daughter.  Even though I was happy to be on my way to visit my little pumpkin (who is 21 years old!) I was a bit sad thinking how far away she is from us.

Just before I hit the “publish” button today, I read a post from my friend Jason over at Frugal Dad talking about some personal struggles.  This post is dedicated to him for being a living example of what I’m trying to explain in this post.

You’ll be a lot better off financially and emotionally if you allow yourself  to feel kind of sad once in awhile.  They don’t teach you this when you are becoming a financial planner.  I’ve learned this over the years by talking to smart people.

We put a lot of pressure on ourselves and others to put a positive spin on everything. We don’t tolerate failure or pain because it’s uncomfortable.  We try to turn everything into a win and pretend that our pain doesn’t exist – even if we sometimes lie to ourselves (and then others) to do it.  This behavior is tremendously expensive as I’ll explain in a bit.

First, let’s look at a few examples:

“I got fired but it’s just as well.  I couldn’t stand working for that new boss anyway.”

“All the equity in my house is gone because of the real estate market but I’m not planning on moving so I don’t care.”

“My daughter is living overseas and I only get to see her twice a year but she’s growing up and becoming independent.  I couldn’t be happier!”

“All my friends got great jobs but I’m doing what I want by traveling around the world. I’m walking on sunshine.”

Did you see what just happened there?  All those things might be true:

1.    The boss probably is a world-class jerk.  But you still have feelings about losing your job.
2.    It may not matter financially what the equity in your home is but you still might be frightened because of the loss.
3.    My daughter is doing what she should be doing but I still miss her and part of me would be much happier if she lived closer.
4.    You might be doing exactly what you want by traveling around the world…but you also might be a little jealous of your friends.

Don’t get me wrong. I’m not asking you to look for problems. If you really feel OK, that’s fine. But if a part of you doesn’t, that’s OK too. Why can’t we get on top of a box and yell at the top of our lungs: “I’m mad as hell and I’m being completely inconsistent!”

No.  We deny our real feelings about what’s going on. And if we don’t, the world does it for us. You tell someone you didn’t get the promotion and they’ll try to get you to focus on how lucky you are not to be working with the jerk. You tell someone all the equity in your home is gone and they’ll tell you not to worry because you’re not moving anyway.

And so on and so on.  Very few people encourage us to feel our feelings..

“Wow…that must really hurt…I’m sorry….Tell me more.”

That would be a pleasant surprise….wouldn’t it?

What is the cost of this?

The truth is, if we could ignore our feelings and they’d disappear it would be fine.  But feelings don’t disappear- until we deal with them.  They lurk inside us.  They wait for the perfect time to express the anger or fear or sadness.  When this happens, innocent by-standers usually become collateral damage.

Let’s assume I don’t get the job mentioned above but keep my feelings to myself.  I’m afraid if I tell my wife how I feel she might think I’m an inconsistent doofus. I keep quiet because I have great fear of criticism.

But my anger about the job just comes out later – only it comes out sideways.  I over-react and fly off the handle when she tells me about her vacation ideas for the family. “What? We don’t have the money for that.  Remember, I DIDN’T GET THE JOB!”

What have I done now?

I got my wife angry because I communicated so poorly with her.  And if she doesn’t tell me how she feels about what I did, who is she going to bust on? The kids?  The neighbors?  (As long as it’s not my dog Max……)

And if you think this issue doesn’t manifest itself through money – think again.

Know anyone who doesn’t know how to stop spending money because they are bored or angry?
Know anyone who invests out of fear?
Know anyone who fails to take care of herself because of old sorrows?

This is not the kind of energy I want to create in this world. Do you?

Why I’m writing this.

1.  It’s high time to claim our rights to be miserable once in awhile. To be angry and disappointed.  It won’t kill us and we’ll get over it. If  people around you feel uncomfortable when you express your true self, that’s their problem.

2. Don’t buy into the argument that you can always walk on the sunny side of the street.  That’s a bunch of bull.  It also adds a ton of pressure on you and it’s all for no reason.

The best way to move on is to express how you’re feeling – regardless of what it is or how it sounds.  Once you do that, it will be easier to move on.

3.  I’ve written many posts with suggestions on how to turn bad situations around.  I’ve discussed ideas on how to shift your attitude and financial conduct.  I still believe in taking massive action to change the way you think and behave. That’s the only way to really fix problems – they don’t fix themselves. But I need to stress the importance of expressing your feelings too.  Without doing so, it will be harder for you to move on to solution stage in a powerful way.

I’m not saying that we should encourage people to go into a 3 year depression if (Heaven Forbid) the Indianapolis Colts don’t win the Super Bowl this season?  That might be overdoing it….a bit…maybe….

I’m not trying to convince you to wear your heart on your sleeve.  I just want you to have the opportunity to air your feelings out so can move on quickly and completely.  Here’s how you can use this:

1.    Don’t beat yourself up for whatever it is you’re feeling.  You have a right to feel whatever you feel and nobody can take that away from you.

2.    Take your time. My experience tells me that you have to go through your process – whatever that is in your particular case. Nobody has the right to tell you how long that process should be.

3.    Write about your feelings.  Talk about your feelings.  Find a good friend who is a good listener and just pour your heart out.  Don’t worry about being judged.  Just let it all hang out there.

4.    Know that whatever you feel know will pass. Grieve. Cry. Get angry.  It’ll pass in time.

5.   Don’t take your feelings out on other people.

6.    If you find yourself incapacitated as a result of what you’re going through, get help. Don’t pretend it’s nothing.

7.    Don’t hang out in places or with people who try to tell you to “walk it off”.  These are deniers and if you let them influence you, you’ll be denying yourself.

Stop trying to always feel good all the time. If something hurts, cry about it. Whine. Go smack some baseballs. Or a side of beef.  Scream.  Let it out. Encourage the people around you to do the same.

Sometimes things turn out poorly and it stinks.  Sure, there is probably a sunny side to most problems – down the line.  But at the time you are faced with a rotten stinking outcome, it just plain hurts.

What’s so bad about being honest about it? Do you feel pressure not to talk about how you are feeling?  Do you think it’s healthy or possibly dangerous to feel sorry for yourself for awhile?