Comments on: Dealing with Death

By: Gina

Gina — Tue, 22 Sep 2009 23:07:13 +0000

Very well said and I so agree. Integrity , honesty and responsibility. Three of the most important traits one can have . All other amazing parts of ourselves are built on the foundation of those three. Empathy , compassion , patience and a truckload of other deliciously human parts.
My mother dies in 2001. Just days after 911.
She was not to aware of what was taking place .

By: Lee

Lee — Fri, 18 Sep 2009 18:25:15 +0000

Very, very well said.

By: Pebbledash

Pebbledash — Thu, 17 Sep 2009 09:36:29 +0000

Just coming back here to read more comments. Like you Neal, I interpreted Jason’s comments in a different way to Nan. Personally, whatever the situation, I find it patronising when someone says “I know just how you feel” because the truth is, they don’t. I’m me, you’re you, and as Jason said, our feelings are unique to us. That doesn’t mean one can’t empathise of course. We all deal with things in different ways and what works for one won’t be appropriate for another.

I wish I could write about this more eloquently, but the truth is it reminds me how raw my feelings still are around my Mum’s death. I have found a ‘new normal’ – life is different.

Thank you everyone for sharing your stories and thoughts.

By: Neal

Neal — Thu, 17 Sep 2009 07:13:25 +0000

Nan,

I am really grateful that you bring this up.

I actually interpreted Jason’s comments differently than the way you did, but your point is a great one none the less.

I can’t speak for others. I can only tell you that when I was 17 and became an orphan, I didn’t think that someone who was 43 and had a home and family really could understand what I was dealing with. It made me angry. It felt like they were diminishing the fear and hell I was going through.

Now, 35 years later, of course I understand that they were just expressing their sympathy and solidarity as best they could. As an adult, removed from the terror of the moment, I do apprecaite the comments that were made because I understand them now. But at the time, it made me angry.

Having said that, when I read the stories above, I kept saying to myself, my G-d, I have no idea how these people dealt with what they went through. Have I lost people I loved? Yes. Have I experienced tragedy? I have. But I haven’t gone through what these folks have. Each of our experiences were our own.

As Jason said:

“ No, none of us know exactly how another feels. Each person’s loss, and the void it leaves in their life, is unique to them. ”

Anyway, it was wonderful that you brought attention to this. I wonder how other people feel?

By: Nan

Nan — Thu, 17 Sep 2009 02:09:49 +0000

Thank you, Jason, for saying that you appreciate people that say “I know how you feel.” I was dismayed to read the comments above from Neal and others that such expressions of solidarity anger them! Why does such a sentiment provoke anger? The person expressing his condolence may not know how you feel, but either they have already experienced loss (in some other form) or they can imagine losing their loved ones and can surely empathise with your situation. So why are their sentiments disregarded? And instead, what one commentator above valued more was offers of food and help! While I am sure such offers are welcome, it comes across as a very selfish thought, that a person’s sentiments are not valued as much as his actual help.

When I experienced a loss or difficult times, it gave me solace to know there were people who cared for me, people who shared in my grief. That was really enough. Of course, I was also grateful to friends who actually came forward and helped me, but that didnt mean that I valued any less the friends that expressed sorrow over my loss.