How To Fix a Marriage After Financial Infidelity
By Neal@Wealth Pilgrim on Jan 22, 2010 in Family & Finance
photo by LeibiDich, Flikr
Is it possible to fix a marriage after financial infidelity?
I came across an interesting story about a newlywed couple who illustrates how difficult it may be.
A few weeks after the marriage, Karin,bought a laptop without first consulting her husband Jim.
It made the groom so angry he started reconsidering his decision to get married in the first place. Now he’s seeing red and the bride is scared to death.
It’s true that Karin bought the very expensive laptop without first talking to Jim. But she bought it with her own money.
Still, Jim was angry. He told her that it wasn’t “her” money anymore…it was “their” money.
Now, Jim is laying on the guilt and he’s laying it on thick. Since he doesn’t need to be consulted on major financial decisions (he whined), he figures he isn’t important anymore. He told this to Karin point blank.
Jim doesn’t even want to discuss financial issues with Karin at this point.
She feels like a dunce for what she did and he’s furious.
Karin was even willing to return the laptop but Jim got angry when she suggested this too. Karin wants to fix the problem and doesn’t have a clue how.
Here’s my read.
You may disagree with me on this one, but I don’t see Karin’s action as so terrible. She may have displayed poor judgment but is what she did financial infidelity? I don’t think so.
Jim needs to grow up and Karin should tell him so.
OK, Karin bought the laptop without discussing it with Jim. Chances are they didn’t set the ground rules prior to getting married. How is that Karin’s fault?
Next, they are a newlywed couple and they are just learning how to mix their money and their marriage.
It’s a process.
These types of issues are trivial…but they are inevitable. In the grand scheme of things, it ain’t a 7.2 on the Richter scale. Is it really worth scuttling the marriage over this? Can you fix a marriage when Jim is acting like a child?
Here’s what I’d recommend to Karin – assuming she’s willing to put up with Jim:
1. Set the ground rules.
What is private money? What is joint money? What are the parameters for spending? What are the reporting requirements?
2. Communication.
I’m not sure if Karin has a communication problem but it’s absolutely certain that Jim does. If Jim wants their relationship to survive, he has to find a way to talk about money without throwing tantrums.
It sounds to me like Jim is making the laptop into something much greater. Maybe the purchase symbolizes Karin’s independence and it threatens him. Right now, nobody knows but if they want to stay together they better figure it out.
3. Financial Plan.
If there is anything I like about Jim so far, it’s that he’s concerned about spending. That’s a good thing – although he still sounds like a control freak to me.
This problem demonstrates the need for the couple to hammer out a plan. Learning how to talk and fight fair is great….but it’s not enough.
They need a financial plan.
That plan should include the amount they are going to save each month. It should also include an amount that each party can spend on a discretionary basis. I think it’s really important for each person to feel (and be) free and money is an important expression of that freedom.
What concerns me most is the fear and anger I pick up from Jim. A good financial plan should help diffuse this.
It will set boundaries – just what the Pilgrim ordered.
What else would you suggest for Jim and Karin? Do you think that Jim is out of line or would you have a similar reaction to the laptop purchase?
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14 Comment(s)
By Sharon on Jan 22, 2010 | Reply
Yes, Jim is completely out of line. How can you expect someone to follow the rules if no rules were set. Use this as a springboard to create a plan, and quit using it to be a bully.
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By Pam McCormick on Jan 22, 2010 | Reply
Hmmm my advice to Karin would be “get out while you can”…. out of the marriage.If this is how a newly wed groom acted over something early on that they had not yet navigated(how they would decide big decisions on money)down the road add in all other stressers like house/family God for bid illness or job loss that rocks their world this guy will not change…a leopard never changes his spots.As usual the Pilgram was right on with advice it’s just my personal opinion that this behavior will continue and probably get worse.Sharon also was great with the suggestion of a springboard to create a plan it’s just that she also called out a behavior “bullying” that I agree good ole Jim showed.I just don’t happen to think Jim is worth it after his behavior early on.
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Neal@WealthPilgrim Reply:
January 22nd, 2010 at 6:48 am
I would have to agree that Jim may be more trouble than he’s worth. On the other hand, if Karin lays down the law, maybe he’ll get it together.
We can only hope….
Neal@WealthPilgrim´s last blog ..How To Fix a Marriage After Financial Infidelity
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By Imani on Jan 22, 2010 | Reply
I’m with Pam….Karin should run, not walk, from this marriage. From the description, she is not capable of setting down the law or she would have done so already.
This seems like a classic over-controlling relationship that will get worse, much worse. Just my opinion.
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By Evan on Jan 22, 2010 | Reply
Being about 18 months deep in the whole marriage thing, I think it is odd that the idea of a major purchase never came up.
If Karin knew that Jim wasn’t the kind of guy to go running out and pick up a $2K laptop on a whim then she should have discussed it with him.
Evan´s last blog ..The Basics of Personal Finance are Not Hard It Doesn’t Matter if you Make $46,000 or $460,000
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Neal@Wealth Pilgrim Reply:
January 22nd, 2010 at 9:02 am
Evan,
Even though it was her own money?
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Evan Reply:
January 22nd, 2010 at 9:23 am
What does her money mean? They are married. I was quickly made aware of this fact when I got married lol
The only way I would agree with her is if they had the joint account/separate account situation:
http://www.myjourneytomillions.com/articles/the-wife-and-i-finally-implement-a-plan/
But even then I think I would be upset if The Wife used her separate money to drop money on such a big purchase without at least discussing it. AND I AM POSITIVE SHE WOULD BE PISSED AT ME lol
Evan´s last blog ..The Basics of Personal Finance are Not Hard It Doesn’t Matter if you Make $46,000 or $460,000
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By Joel on Jan 22, 2010 | Reply
I think it’s a little drastic to recommend that Karin bail on the marriage. Having been through a divorce, that’s not something I would throw out lightly.
That said, I think both are at-fault (though him more than her):
-Karin is at-fault for not talking with Jim before she made the purchase. As Neal said, a marriage is about communication, and a big purchase is definitely something to discuss beforehand.
-Jim is at-fault for being a jerk about this. The proper response is, “I’m disappointed this happened, but we didn’t have any guidelines for something like this. So let’s learn from this and figure out how to avoid this kind of issue in the future.”
Seems like a great opportunity for them to improve their relationship — if he can cool down a little.
Joel´s last blog ..The Top Five Stocks on We Seed — No Surprises Here
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By Sharon on Jan 22, 2010 | Reply
The husband is still a bully. When a spouse becomes afraid, there is a problem. Karin offered to take it back and that made him even more mad. Now that he continues to punish her with guilt, you are getting into an “abusive” situation. I speak from experience. There was no “mal intent” with the purchase of the computer and the husband is acting as if she robbed a bank. At this point Karin cannot do or say anything that will “make it better”. The problem lies with the way the husband communicates. Talk about it, resolve it, make a financial plan and then move on. Quit the guilt and crazy making posturing!
Sharon´s last blog ..How To Fix a Marriage After Financial Infidelity
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By Rhonda on Jan 22, 2010 | Reply
My first husband went out and bought a vehicle without discussing it with me first. We split up soon after. We didn’t have money to pay the payments or the insurance. This was unforgivable to me. It was repossessed a couple months later. He never made a single payment on it. My present husband and I have a rule – neither one of us can spend over $100 on anything without consulting the other. This has worked out great.
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By FinanciallySmart on Jan 22, 2010 | Reply
What you have outlined is what I am in agreement with but there is another thing which is fear. He need to overcome that fear which is preventing him from communicating properly. Apparently there were a bad financially event in his life before and until he discuss it he will always be like this. Karin should also remember that even though she is independent and it is her money to have a good marriage she should plan with her husband. If they were doing this at the courting stage then what transpired wouldn’t have.
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By Neal on Jan 22, 2010 | Reply
Sam,
I would agree. Jim obviously has a problem. Some trauma. Perhaps Karin knew about this and was insensitive. We don’t have all the info but you make a good point…..as always.
Neal´s last blog ..How To Fix a Marriage After Financial Infidelity
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By Abigail on Jan 23, 2010 | Reply
I think Jim’s anger is most definitely out of proportion. I could understand his continuing to harp on the subject if she refused to take it back. But the fact that he’s offering her no out to his fury is a pretty bad sign.
I think at the very least, they need to get some counseling. A therapist or religious leader could help them set better boundaries about money and spending. It’s a hard transition to make, going for “my money” to “our money.”
That said, I think some of the people have it right that he obviously feels horribly threatened. Hence the line about not being important anymore. That’s a pretty loaded statement for a single purchase. Especially one that she’s offered to take back.
A lot of abuse starts with control issues and develops further. They alienate you from friends, control the money (so you can’t really leave) and so on.
That probably sounds like an over-reaction to most people. But there are a few red flags here that worry me.
First, he’s freaking out and not letting this thing go. That’s a pretty big purchase to be made without consulting your spouse. But she apparently didn’t go into debt for it, so he needs to figure out how to get over it. The fact that he shows no signs of doing so? Bad juju.
What’s worse, when she offered to rectify the situation by returning the thing, he got angry. I could understand that the return won’t fix everything. But his anger tells her it would be worse to return it.
So, let’s review: He is holding something over her head to make her feel terrible and like a bad person. He shows no signs of stopping this behavior. He gets angry when she tries to resolve the problem (because that would be once again, taking away his control). And he refuses to even talk about finance anymore with her.
These are huge warning signs that he can’t handle not having complete power over situations. Even if he doesn’t become verbally and emotionally abusive — and, frankly, he’s already about halfway there if he doesn’t drop this thing soon — making a life with someone with power issues is a very hard road to travel.
Abigail´s last blog ..Sleep and personal finance
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By James on Jan 24, 2010 | Reply
I disagree with what appears to be the concensus opinion here. Jim is perfectly justified in his response. If she didn’t realize that spending that kind of money is now a collective decision, she does now! Big spending stereotypical woman… who was it above that said a leopard never changes it’s spots? Maybe it’s Jim that should be running for the hills….
OR
They could both act like adults and find a solution. Too many people think marriage is just until it becomes inconvenient instead of until death these days.
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By Big D on Jan 24, 2010 | Reply
He should dump her and fast. Just another female parasite.
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By Monevator on Jan 25, 2010 | Reply
I don’t agree she should necessarily leave the relationship over this – she did the first ‘wrong’.
That said, I agree Jim’s response seems over the top – not the being angry, but the over-drama and in particular the communication shutdown.
It’s impossible to fix anything when people don’t communicate, unless they’re both the type who can genuinely forget and not keep score, and in my experience few are!
On that note, they must accept neither will ever think the other was right over the laptop.
The key as you say Neal is to set the shared rules so that next time there’s less ambiguity.
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By Ken on Jan 25, 2010 | Reply
Ah..the old his money, her money issue! I suppose as newlyweds they haven’t decided on how much of the income is “our” income. Maybe they haven’t decided what they can spend without having to “check in.” This is a tough issue and they need to have a plan ASAP.
Ken´s last blog ..How I Define Financial Peace
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