Comments on: A Legacy From Mom

By: Gina

Gina — Tue, 22 Sep 2009 23:07:13 +0000

Very well said and I so agree. Integrity , honesty and responsibility. Three of the most important traits one can have . All other amazing parts of ourselves are built on the foundation of those three. Empathy , compassion , patience and a truckload of other deliciously human parts.
My mother dies in 2001. Just days after 911.
She was not to aware of what was taking place .

By: Lee

Lee — Fri, 18 Sep 2009 18:25:15 +0000

Very, very well said.

By: Pebbledash

Pebbledash — Thu, 17 Sep 2009 09:36:29 +0000

Just coming back here to read more comments. Like you Neal, I interpreted Jason’s comments in a different way to Nan. Personally, whatever the situation, I find it patronising when someone says “I know just how you feel” because the truth is, they don’t. I’m me, you’re you, and as Jason said, our feelings are unique to us. That doesn’t mean one can’t empathise of course. We all deal with things in different ways and what works for one won’t be appropriate for another.

I wish I could write about this more eloquently, but the truth is it reminds me how raw my feelings still are around my Mum’s death. I have found a ‘new normal’ – life is different.

Thank you everyone for sharing your stories and thoughts.

By: Neal

Neal — Thu, 17 Sep 2009 07:13:25 +0000

Nan,

I am really grateful that you bring this up.

I actually interpreted Jason’s comments differently than the way you did, but your point is a great one none the less.

I can’t speak for others. I can only tell you that when I was 17 and became an orphan, I didn’t think that someone who was 43 and had a home and family really could understand what I was dealing with. It made me angry. It felt like they were diminishing the fear and hell I was going through.

Now, 35 years later, of course I understand that they were just expressing their sympathy and solidarity as best they could. As an adult, removed from the terror of the moment, I do apprecaite the comments that were made because I understand them now. But at the time, it made me angry.

Having said that, when I read the stories above, I kept saying to myself, my G-d, I have no idea how these people dealt with what they went through. Have I lost people I loved? Yes. Have I experienced tragedy? I have. But I haven’t gone through what these folks have. Each of our experiences were our own.

As Jason said:

“ No, none of us know exactly how another feels. Each person’s loss, and the void it leaves in their life, is unique to them. ”

Anyway, it was wonderful that you brought attention to this. I wonder how other people feel?

By: Nan

Nan — Thu, 17 Sep 2009 02:09:49 +0000

Thank you, Jason, for saying that you appreciate people that say “I know how you feel.” I was dismayed to read the comments above from Neal and others that such expressions of solidarity anger them! Why does such a sentiment provoke anger? The person expressing his condolence may not know how you feel, but either they have already experienced loss (in some other form) or they can imagine losing their loved ones and can surely empathise with your situation. So why are their sentiments disregarded? And instead, what one commentator above valued more was offers of food and help! While I am sure such offers are welcome, it comes across as a very selfish thought, that a person’s sentiments are not valued as much as his actual help.

When I experienced a loss or difficult times, it gave me solace to know there were people who cared for me, people who shared in my grief. That was really enough. Of course, I was also grateful to friends who actually came forward and helped me, but that didnt mean that I valued any less the friends that expressed sorrow over my loss.

By: Patrick

Patrick — Thu, 17 Sep 2009 01:50:01 +0000

Neal, I am a firm believer that we are a product of those we love, and we take on certain characteristics of those we grow up with and respect and admire. Through us, a part of them will always go on, and hopefully we will have a similar affect on those who love us.

Well written tribute.

By: Judy

Judy — Wed, 16 Sep 2009 19:54:59 +0000

Well stated. Wise words. The older I get the more I realize that the best parts of me are theirs. It is a solace and a joy.

By: Jason

Jason — Wed, 16 Sep 2009 19:54:36 +0000

Thanks again to Neal for this beautifully written post, and for all of your comments. My faith in the community of bloggers has been strengthened by this event, and I’m convinced that even strangers (strangers only because of physical separation) can still have empathy for someone from afar.

When you think about it, it is really an evolution in the human experience, because before these forums were available, all we had were local friends and family to rely on for support in tough times.

Maybe I’m being dramatic, but I don’t have many offline friends to surround me during this time. The show of support I’ve witnessed here, and at my own site, have meant more to me than I could ever fully explain.

I especially appreciate the comments on “I know how you feel.” No, none of us know exactly how another feels. Each person’s loss, and the void it leaves in their life, is unique to them. Being there for a friend or loved one who is grieving is the most important thing you can do for them, but let them grieve in their own way, and don’t try to understand how they are feeling. I’ve caught myself saying this in the past, with good intentions, of course. However, this experience, and the comments shared here, have made me more aware of how to be a better friend for someone facing similar circumstances.

By: Neal

Neal — Wed, 16 Sep 2009 17:24:21 +0000

Bonnie…..you model strength for all of us.

After my folks died, the mom of the family who took me in told me that pain doesn’t really go away – it just comes up less often.

That has been my experience.

I feel inspired by all of you and strengthened.

By: bonnie

bonnie — Wed, 16 Sep 2009 16:33:01 +0000

i am very sorry to hear of frugal dad’s loss. and you are totally correct that we take on the good part(s) of the people we lose. In the last 4 years, I lost my only two brothers; they were twins,3 years older than me, both died of lung cancer at the ages of 54 and 58. Both of my parents also died; mom of a sudden heart attack at 69; and dad at 75 of lung cancer. not to mention many other relatives and friends who’ve passed away in the last several years. even though i may have had “issues” with my parents/brothers, all i remember now are their virtues. i don’t think you ever do get over the losses, but the losses definitely redefine who you are as a human being. and it keeps everything in perspective. some everyday things just don’t seem that important; it’s alot easier to just smile about minor (or even major) annoyances and frustrations; and sometimes you just walk a little slower and appreciate the day. i don’t think it much matters what others say to you after you’ve experienced such a loss, but it certainly made a difference to me that some people said something. i’ve found that those who have never lost a close loved one really don’t understand. but that’s not their fault. in any case, i think you have to grieve yourself, then life goes on, albeit different. and as another commenter said, a different good.